We Can Speak English

We’re not keeping the "I Love Farang" sign up. No way. Will thinks cute and cheerful is the way forward with this site. I personally think it’s a real turn-off. Too corny. Anything with a big red love-heart is just plain soppy. And it doesn’t do anything for the hardened ex-pat image I was hoping to portray here. Although I do like the little statement afterwards - "Welcome foreigners".
Where I come from in the north of England you just couldn’t get away with that. There’d be uproar if I called somebody of a different race, "foreigner". England - and I guess the west in general - has become so multi-racial and politically correct, Thailand’s somewhat xenophobic nature at times is a breath of fresh air. In England I would be branded a bigot if I were to assume that somebody who looks different to me wasn’t born in my own country. I know a cartoonist who was asked by a Pakistani to do a picture of him. He agreed, and did a quick pencil drawing of him. When he showed him the picture the fella accused of him being racist because he’d shaded his face in.
Nuts!
But anyway, you’ll hear more of my moaning later.
As I was saying - welcome foreigners. And yes, we can speak English, so you’re all welcome to drop by anytime, leave comments, submit stories, enter the photo competition. Our hope is that this site will be yours as much as ours. It’s just a place to come and have a laugh and share a few thoughts.
Rather than go over my life story at this point and how I came to reside in The Land of Smiles, I will just say that myself and the other fat bastard came here together in the late nineties, but have since gone our separate ways. It was an amicable split. Will couldn’t take the pace of Pattaya and retreated to the northern mountains.
Maybe if I find the right lady I will too. I’ve had a few offers of retiring to Isaan. I’ve even been to meet a few families of girlfriends I had out that way - always nice folks, very polite and smiley. But after a few days of living in squalor I decided I didn’t want to adopt them all. It was a nice offer - you know, kick back, have everything done for me. I just have to pay off papa’s gambling debts, pay grandmas medical fees, new fridge-freezer, motorcyke, pick-up etc.
So I’m single for now. I think this past six month period has been my longest stretch of being a bachelor for over thirty years, and it’s wonderful how stress-free my life seems these days.
With all this free time I've had I managed to tracked down Keith Summers last week. I met with him at his hideaway on a small island off the coast of Myanmar. He was rather reluctant to give an interview, but after convincing him that I wasn’t the Tick Tock poster from Mangosauce he agreed to talk.
We hope to be interviewing a whole host of Thailand celebrities. Ousted PM, Thaksin Shinawatra, won’t answer my emails at the moment, but I’m still hopeful he’ll come around.
The Stickman interview was a major coup for us, one we hope will bring a lot of visitors to the site. Though I was a little disappointed he hasn’t entered our photo competition. I guess 50,000 Kip is small change for big fish like Stickman.
We''ll be updating the site with new content all the time, so do drop by again. We'll add a form later so you can leave comments. Or just abuse.
Anyway, from myself and Will, thanks for dropping by. Happy New Year

Livin' on a Prayer

Keith summers could not understand why we wanted to interview him, and thought that nobody would want to hear what he has to say. That’s just Keith, a modest guy. He had plenty to say, and most of it was entertaining stuff, I thought.
Myself and John picked up on the comedy genius of the Great Galt early on, when he first went on line with Notstickman. In our opinion the Tom Cruise Effect is now a modern day classic. My favourite quote from that article was this little gem:
We were almost stunned. Was it really him? Could it be? Yes, without a doubt, there he was, there was John Bon Jovi.
Those who get his humour won't be disappointed by the interview.
You will also see a genuinely compassionate side to Keith, and a real appreciation of Thai culture and his life here. Like me, he knows he’s blessed to be living in Thailand.
Having first settled in Pattaya (or Hell as I now call it), I now live in the northern town of Pai. I live with my beautiful, seven months pregnant, wife, Dar. I’ve left it a little late in life to be starting a family, I know, but I had to wait this long to find the perfect woman first; or find a woman who believed I might be responsible enough to father her child. Dar’s cool, and I know she’s going to be an amazing mum. She’s funny, she’s cute, she’s caring, everything you want your wife to be.
We run a guesthouse here, and Dar’s older sister, Youey, has just moved in to help out now that Dar’s getting close to the pregnancy. Her parents and cousins will be joining us next month. Just as peak season’s coming all our rooms are going to be filled with the family. Never mind, it’s all in a good cause.
John’s disdain of the "I Love Farang" gif is obviously misplaced, and I’m sure most people would agree that it make’s a cool welcome sign for the site. In fact, I’m thinking of getting some t-shirts and mugs made up with it on and opening a little on-line store, and then later branching out into tea towels and key rings.
Look at those cheesy "I Love New York" t-shirts. How many of those have sold? I’m onto a winner, I’m sure.
Keith Summers seemed a little disappointed that we hadn't constructed a Thaivisa style website within a matter of weeks. This site has no intentions of being an information site, with reviews of bars and clubs. Nor is it specifically going to be about the saucy side of Thailand.
It’s mine and John’s final memoirs, if you like. We'll be seeing out our remaining days here in Thailand, and are using this as a platform to blog about ourselves.
I'm sure it's going to be interesting. It always is here.

Interview with Stickman

Will: Hi, Stick, thanks for taking the time to have a chat. I understand that your site will be back online soon. Do you have a date in mind?

Stickman: There is no specific date in mind. It all depends on others. A number of people will be heavily involved. For too long I did too much myself and just burned out. The site would not be able to continue without a good deal of assistance. I am good at starting things up, but crap at keeping them going. Delegation is what is needed.

Will: And will the content be the same? Or can we expect to see something new?

Stickman: The content will be similar, but not exactly the same. You'll just have to check in when it resumes! There will be a lot more in the way of photography, and there will be different people in charge of different things. I don't think any group of readers will find that their favourite part of the site has gone, and most will be pleased by the new sections.
There will NOT be a discussion forum added. They are very, very hard work to run and you need an entire team to do it well. There will however be major support for a well-run existing forum which has huge potential.

Will: I've been missing my weekly fix of Readers' Stories. Since the site's been off line have you still been receiving emails from folks seeking advice?

Stickman: The readers' submissions have been running as usual for a few weeks with some excellent stories coming in so tune in! Traffic to the site remains high, and while the number of emails coming in is down, it's not by that much. When I took the site offline I was getting a ridiculous amount of email coming in. In one 24 hour period I had over 300 emails, which is way more than I had ever received before in a single day. I still get a lot of emails asking for advice about this and that. I answer most, except for the teaching inquiries where I just respond to them that Ajarn.com is the place for that.

Will:They break my heart some of those stories. What's the most memorable one for you?

Stickman:There have been so many that it is hard to remember them all but a few spring to mind. There was the guy who was stuck with a woman Stateside for 6 years, trying to make a bad relationship right before eventually calling it quits. The internet relationships gone wrong stick in my mind too. More than a few of them out there! I also very much like the writings of Camaschula, a writer who has not written much, but when he does, he nails it.

Will: I've found the site to be a treasure of information over the years, as have many others. What hopes did you have for it when you first launched Stickmanbangkok? And did you ever envision it would become so popular?

Stickman: I never had any idea that the site would grow into what it has. I had no plans for it to be anything more than a small blog-like site, back in the days before such sites existed. I just enjoyed putting it together, started to get some pretty good feedback, and this was at a time when there were precious few Bangkok sites with up to date, original content. As the feedback became more frequent, and more encouraging, the site just grew and grew and slowly developed into what it is today.

Will: And where does the name "Stickman" come from?

Stickman: While I do enjoy a frame of pool, this is not the source of the name as manyhave suggested. The source of the name goes back almost 20 years, back when I was still at school and had a part-time job. I used to work in a cinema, a fun after school job that used to bring me a bit of pocket money. It was a nice scene - lots of others the same age worked there and you got to see all of the newest movies for free, a great perk. The cinema was a very popular movie house, set right in the middle of the city and doubled as a famous landmark. I don't know why, but we used to get lots of crazies coming to the cinema, including some eccentrics and real weirdoes.
There was one fellow in particular who I used to be intrigued by. He was an oldish man, probably in his 60's. He used to walk up and down the main street of the city, perhaps going to catch a movie at another cinema or to pick up some groceries or do some shopping. He was always well dressed in a jacket and tie, if somewhat unfashionable, even for then. However, the poor old devil walked with the assistance of a walking stick. Where he wandered remained a mystery to me but there was something about him that fascinated me. I have always been drawn to the unusual and eccentric folk really intrigue me.
One day I was just perching at the entrance to the cinema, bored, as most of my colleagues had gone home for the evening and there was no-one around to chat with. I saw this fellow walking past and I thought I'd flash my torch at him. He was actually on the opposite side of the road heading away from the cinema. I was quite surprised when he looked up, saw me, or at least the torch flashing, and changed direction so that he was now heading straight towards the cinema. This should be interesting I thought. He wandered across the road and stood outside the large glass doors for what seemed like an eternity, peering in, trying to see what was happening inside.
And then all hell broke loose.
The old codger swung his walking stick with all of his might and there was this large crack as the stick smashed against the glass. I'll never know how but that pane of glass refused to yield. The old codger spies me looking at him, no doubt with a mixture of bewilderment, trepidation and fascination on my face. He then opens the door to the cinema and starts yelling all sorts of obscenities at the only person present - ME! He starts screaming how you (the cinema staff?) are all a bunch of filthy perverts and so on. At this point, the manager, a sizeable man with an imposing stature, comes running around the corner from his office and screams at me, "Who the hell let him in"?
"He just came in now", I replied. I didn't feel it was the time to admit to the crime of antagonising this man, this man with the stick, this Stickman! The manager bellowed at this old guy to "get the fxxx out of here before I fill you in!" The Stickman (the old guy) looked at him with utter indifference, bordering on disdain, before proceeding on his way but not before questioning the manager's parentage. Now I was quite matey with the manager and we used to have quite a few laughs together. He came over and told me a story about The Stickman. Apparently this old codger was something of a pervert in his younger years and used to like to visit prostitutes and have all sorts of kinky sex. He waffled on about how this guy was known as The Stickman and that one should avoid him as not only was he a pervert, a recluse and a general weirdo, but he also liked to swing his stick around and whack people with it - and apparently was quite adept at it too.
As the manager upped and left to return to the relative tranquility of his office, he muttered something along the lines of "and don't you antagonise him again, you little shit"...
When I first started writing the information of this site, I sort of thought that some of it was a little perverted and I thought back to the original Stickman and thought, well, I'll be Stickman and so the name was born.

Will: I've heard it said before that the look of the site isn't very pleasing on the eye. Do you plan to keep the look the same?

Stickman: Of course the site is very '90s in its look, and anyone who said that it was a good looking site would be kidding themselves. The look is as it is for a couple of reasons. First of all I have absolutely no artistic flair at all and even if I wanted to make it look better, I am not sure that I could! I am just not good at design and that side of things. The other point is that the look of the site has almost become like a trademark of the site. I feel that changing it would be like losing an old friend.

Will: There's three things I miss about England - that's the food, the scarcity of creepy-crawlies and the long hours of daylight in the summer. Is there anything you ever miss about your home country?

Stickman: You cannot imagine how much I miss about New Zealand. There is not a morning that goes by when I don't wake up and think, "What the fxxx am I doing here?" I love my country and am immensely proud of it, the people, and what we have achieved. For a country of 4 million people, New Zealand is an incredible place. The lifestyle is just outstanding. I miss my family, my friends, and quite frankly, the people of New Zealand. I have met some great people from all countries, but as a single nationality, I like hanging out with people from my own country more than any other. I love NZ food, food products and the environment. I love NZ sport and I am passionate about rugby. I love the freedom and the open spaces. You have freedom in New Zealand. It makes me laugh when people say Thailand is free. Not compared to New Zealand! I miss my country VERY much.

Will: So it was teaching English that first brought you to Thailand. I get the impression you're very passionate about your job.

Stickman: There are many things in this world that I suck at. I really cannot write. I can be quite anti-social at times. For a New Zealander, I really don't drink that much. But teaching is one thing that I do think I do quite well. I enjoy the job immensely. I find teaching English to be a lot of fun, and something that is really worthwhile. I have also taught some computer courses too, but I much prefer language teaching.

Will: And are you continuing to do the Private Investigation work?

Stickman: This was never made clear, but I actually gave that away a few months back, well before the site went down. I guess few people realised but that was the first thing to go when everything started to became too much.

Will: Like yourself, I'm happily married, but what is it about all these guys who fall for bargirls? Most of them aren't stupid, so is it just sheer desperation do you think?*

Stickman: The bargirls treat many guys really well, perhaps better then they have ever been treated before. Remember, a lot of these guys are getting on in years and are no oil painting any more. They simply won't get that sort of treatment from women in the West. Many of these guys simply make the decision that despite her background, the cultural differences and the fact that odds are stacked heavily against them, that it is worth trying. I am told that such guys really struggle to meet anyone in the West, so perhaps a woman with a few flaws is better than none at all?!

Will: Whenever you get a client asking if you can check if their bargirl-girlfriend is being unfaithful, I'm guessing nine times out of ten you know it's going to be easy work. Do you ever feel guilty for taking their money?

Stickman: Actually, it is not easy at all. In the early days people simply wanted a "is she still working type check" but things became much more complex than that, and the sorts of information that some guys sought was challenging. I actually wrote a column once telling guys how to investigate their girlfriend so they would not need my help. The idea was to offer assistance, not get rich. Remember, I did this as a free service for quite some time in the past!
When there were cases where enough information had been provided that I could say with a high degree of certainty that she was up to no good, I would simply tell the guy this, sometimes providing him with a couple of things he could do that would verify things once and for all. A number of guys wanted someone to talk to about it all more than an investigator per se, and someone to ask for advice. They wanted to someone to listen to them.

Will: I would have thought it's quite risky work too. Some of those bargirls can be quite temperamental, so I hear.

Stickman: There are a number of farang investigators doing such work and I have yet to hear of anyone having any problem from looking into the girls.

Will: So what have you been doing with the recent break you've had from the site? Have you been away anywhere new? And where's your favourite place in Thailand?

Stickman: I have taken zillions of photos and spent a lot of time in surrounding provinces. I have also caught up with a lot of friends and generally done the sorts of things that regular folks do on a Sunday. I have spent more time relaxing, and more time in front of the TV, watching my beloved Liverpool work their way up the Premier League table! I don't have a favourite place in Thailand to be honest although Roi Et, Phuket and Korat are places I have fond memories of.

Will: Your reasons for taking a break were because you felt it burdensome and other aspects of your life were being affected. I had wondered where you found the time - teaching, investigating and maintaining the website. How do you plan to even things out when the website returns?

Stickman: Help will be taken on. That is probably the only way the site would be able to continue in anything resembling its former state. There will be a number of big changes but let's not say too much at this stage!

Will: A lot of people suspected that Stickman being off line had something to do with a certain Notstickman site. Now, to me, Notstickman all seemed like a vendetta without justification. What were your thoughts when you first became aware that you had a rival?

Stickman: The word rival is misleading. Baronbonk was a rival. Dave The Rave is a rival. But both of these guys were friends, people I have a very good relationship with, and amongst ourselves we should share news and views.

Will: I said "rival", but the word "stalker" seems more appropriate when reading some of his rants about you. It seemed almost personal. Had you done something to upset him?

Stickman: Nothing to him personally at all. I never even knew he even existed until recently. Now I know more about him than I know about even those closest to me.

Will: Printing pictures of your work colleagues was despicable in my opinion. Did that cause any fall-out at work?

Stickman: The situation was managed well. In a country where the laws of libel and slander carry extremely heavy
penalties, both civil and criminal, that was a very silly thing to do.

Will: And who's this Stickboy character? It's not really your illegitimate son, is it?

Stickman: Hehehe. He is a nice guy. Actually, I have not met him but we have communicated a bit over the years and plan to meet up when he is in town some time soon.

Will: There's so many farang websites out there now, is there any that you admire?

Stickman: I think Thailandguru.com is excellent and I also like 2bangkok.com a lot. Both of these sites produce really good, original content with analysis. These sites provide good info for both tourists and long stayers. ThaiVisa is huge of course and you cannot help but admire what they achieved with that site. It gets phenomenal traffic. I also enjoy PattayaSecrets.com. I personally do not have much time for the websites which simply talk about other sites. Bangkok has a surprising number of such sites.

Will: And for an aspiring Thai/farang website like ourselves, what advice would you have?

Stickman: It is hard work, it really is. I used to really enjoy running the site. I got into a groove and managed to keep it together for a long time, but it grew to the point where eventually it just became too much. If you really want a site to get big, and become meaningful, be prepared to put in the hours. And I mean serious hours to the point that other things in your life WILL SUFFER. Content is king and researching and then producing original content is time consuming. Bangkok has quite a number of websites now, so breaking into the market will take a bit of work. There are a lot of sites with original content, a lot of discussion forums and a lot of sites that cover the naughty stuff. You're going to need something different.
I sometimes get emails from readers saying something to the effect that there is a discussion taking place on a particular forum about me or something I wrote and they want to know why I have not replied. One just doesn't have time to do that. You could live your life online if you wanted but I made the decision recently not to do that. The real world is much more exciting and meaningful than the real world.
The other issue is that in Bangkok there is quite a number of really odd people, and you can get yourself into the firing line very easily. I've been there.

Will: Well, it's been a pleasure talking to you, Stick. Good luck with everything for the future.

Stickman: And all the best to you guys with your site too!

Interview with Keith Summers (aka John Galt)

John: Hi Keith, so what made you first come to Thailand, and what is it about the country that made you decide to make it your home?

Keith: Well, I visited for the first time in June of 2001. I clearly saw the abundance of Thailand's natural resources (females) and the added advantage of low operating costs, and what can I say; I was hooked. I have been trying my hand at operating a business off and on for a number of years unsuccessfully in the US and I saw an opportunity to restart my dream of running my own successful business. I think given the technological advances of the Internet, and the improvements in global shipping; a business now can be located nearly anywhere where operating costs are low and be successful. I joke with people sometimes and I tell them that "I came to Asia to get my job back". But, I don't think I would have come here had I not seen the openness of the society towards foreigners and I don't think that I would have come here had I not seen the reaction of the girls.
How can anyone (male) not be attracted to what feels like a virtual fountain of youth built in to the Thai culture?

John: Is there anything you ever miss about the US?

Keith: Sure, my family and sometimes a really good pizza. Don't get me wrong I like the US, but my plans for retirement and success don't really allow me to live there in a mode of happiness that I have grown to appreciate here in Thailand.

John: Because you're originally from San Diego, right? One of America's nicest cities. How does Bangkok compare to San Diego?

Keith: I was only in San Diego a couple of years. I moved there to bolster my career and try to move myself further financially. San Diego, like a lot of other cities, is expensive. It's a beautiful city. What do you want me to tell you about Bangkok and most people don't already know? Ha! Bangkok has its strengths. They are typically quite different than San Diego... I don't live in Bangkok and I have mostly seen the tourist areas so I'm not a very good authority on that city. The main obvious difference is that San Diego is cleaner and their roadways are better. San Diego is a higher standard of living, but that wouldn't be hard to guess, would it?
I live in a small town up in the northeast. It's a Mayberry from the old Andy Griffith show. The whole place seems to function a lot like an extended family. I love the people here. When I walk to the store I see the children playing on the sidewalk and sometimes I stop and talk with them. They seem to jump up get all excited about seeing a farang and 3 or 4 of them gather at the steps at the video store. I squat down and talk to them in Thai and little in English. Sometimes I come back form the nearby 7/11 store and I give them each a small chocolate milk. I may give something to them, but they also give something back to me too. One little girl there is about 3 years old now and I literally have watched her grow from newborn to walking talking kid. I've never seen that before and it's wonderful and she knows who I am too.
In the US, we have pretty much hidden the children away for their own protection. Here in Thailand, it's still more like the 1950's and the society is more open. It's hard to really quantify the value of that kind of openness.

John: So, tell me a little bit about your turn signals business?

Keith: Selling motorcycle turn signals was a fluke. I originally planned to come here and develop computer software. My business model was to work directly for clients in the US. I did have 2 clients, but when work goes slack with a just a few clients you can find yourself in a bind, so the software didn't work out too well. I also had a lot of competition from developers in India and Vietnam, etc. They are working for very low wages and I didn't want to compete with that.
A friend turned me on to the idea of selling motorcycle turn signals. I gave it a shot and it's been working out fairly well. I am basically taking money away from the Chinese. They are loosing business to me. I focus on a more vertical market. Instead of selling to a wholesaler in larger quantities, I sell retail in smaller quantities. Why sell for the low price when you can sell for a high price? (and other people on the Internet have called my product cheap?). You have to produce the highest amount of quality possible for the dollar. People will buy that. So, I give people what they want and instead of having only 2 clients in the software business, I have had about 8,000 customers in the turn signal business.

John: How easy did you find it getting the business off the ground?

Keith: The software business was hard to get going; the turn signal business was a bit easier. But easy and hard are subjective to one's perception of work. If you are using a hammer to drive a nail, the least amount of work is hitting the nail hard and straight with one strike. If you try to drive a nail with multiples hits of smaller efforts, you expend more energy. So, whatever you do, you need to hit it hard like driving a nail if you want to achieve the best results with the least efforts. Getting a business off the ground is much like this.

John: I know many farangs find it difficult dealing with Thais in business matters. What's your experience of that?

Keith: I have not had that much trouble actually. But I have to tell you I'm tough on the Thais. I tell them exactly what I want and I expect them to perform. I hold them to my expectations and when things fall short I let them know I'm unhappy. However, there are two sides to that coin. You also have to be very complimentary when things come out right -- and I'm talking about making honest comments about real quality.
I'm also very careful to always follow through with my side of the agreement. I rarely fall short. When I say that I'm going to pay X amount on X date, I make very best effort to ensure this happens. Thai businesses respect you when money is on time because plenty of their clients don't offer that.
Having said that you can and perhaps will have bad experiences; but if you communicate to them that you're expecting performance and that doesn't scare them off then you have a business that respects you and will normally perform well for you.

John: Okay, tell us about TheManTour. That sounds like a lot of fun, if you've got the energy for that sort of thing.

Keith: TheManTour? They are probably the only non-PC (politically correct) "Fun" tour business on the Internet (remember that in one of my articles I state that we can't use the word "Sex" anymore in Thailand).TheManTour is run by a guy named Joe Grant and the ManTour is not bashful about saying they are in the "Fun" tour business. I would probably tone down the verbiage if I were in his shoes for the sake of being more PC, but I give him credit, he doesn't sugar coat what he does. He's a stand up guy.
We just lost James Brown "the hardest working man in show business". I would say that Joe of TheManTour is the hardest working man in the "Fun" tour business. As you may have surmised by now, I set expectations high when it comes to business and when I buy, I expect performance. This was no different when I hired the services of the TheManTour. They are a great
way to see Thailand and partake in Thailand's natural resources with safety and comfort. I don't think it takes much energy at all. In fact coming on that tour was actually quite easy and I highly recommend it.
Who is coming to Thailand with not enough energy for this sort of thing? In fact, coming here and discovering Thailand's cultural resource breeds new energy doesn't it? It does for me.

John: Maybe I'm missing something, but why would anybody need a guide to show them where to get laid in Thailand?

Keith: When you go out in the west to mix and mingle, do you go out alone? Or, when you plan that trip to local Bennigan's (American pub type franchise) do you invite the boys from work and other friends? Sure you do. Going out on the hunt is somewhat a group sport. Why come to Thailand alone with you can come with a group who are all in the same mind set?
Also, Thailand can catch you off guard if you are not prepared to handle the unexpected. What are you going to do if the hotel you book decides to give your rooms away to another guest? It happens here. What will you do if a girl gets out of line with you? Does the average tourist really know how to book experiences to the Royal Palace, Tiger Zoo, and rent a boat out to Ko Larn Island? There are some Thai entities here that will try to take advantage of you. I don't recommend coming here by yourself the first time and I don't recommend being here alone without a local good friend to call on if you take ill for some reason. There are just too many little issues that can jump up and bite you. Why risk that in a foreign country when you can spend a few more dollars and avoid problems and share the camaraderie of other x-pats who share the knowledge of their experiences with you?

John: And where would you say the best looking ladies are in Thailand? I'm a sucker for Buriram ladies myself.

Keith: Gosh, is there one culture that is more beautiful than another? When I was in Florida I had a deep relationship with a French Cajun Brunette and then I transferred my interests over to Cuban Latin American girls. I feel that now I prefer the Asian females and Thais do it for me just fine. I tend to shy away from battle hardened tattooed go-go girls and I favor then softer spoken "under-exposed" country girls. I'm sure the upscale Bangkok girls would be equally interesting. I have also heard some very enticing comments about girls in the Philippines but I have yet to take a trip there to find out.
Aren't they all beautiful, Burmese and otherwise?

John: Let's move onto your website,Notstickmanbangkok. Having read your articles it would seem you really have a beef with the original Bangkok commentator, Stickman. Also, how would you sum up the purpose of the website?

Keith: I have several purposes. The first was to "shot back" and Stickman's lame accounting of a news story. Stickman now admits that story could have been a complete set up so that one go-go bar owner could discredit another. Stickman took information from third party who witnessed the attack of a club owner inside his own club at Club Boesche.The only problem is that Stickman's witness is likely connected to another club owner who is unscrupulous enough to manufacture that attack by sending these 3 guys over to CB to start a fight. Stickman with his source (who just happened to be on the scene?) was sure to repeat the story, incorrectly I might add, and Stickman blindly printed the account in his weekly column.
This is an instance where the "mob" in Pattaya probably manipulated Stickman's column. The whole incident probably took place only because it would be printed on-line. Luckily, no one was seriously hurt. By the way, it has taken a number of months to piece this all together. When I recently talked with Stickman and laid out this scenario based on the evidence that I had, he said, "it is possible".
No one at this point can be 100% sure of this hypothesis, but in my mind all the evidence points to this conclusion. Publishers with power like Stickman need to exercise some judgment and scrutinize when they are told before they print it. Just like normal journalists, they have to make efforts to get the other side of the story and Stickman with his limited resources just was not doing this. He now admits the massive group efforts.
Near the end of the weekly column, he was barely doing any of the work. That's a sham, and I called him out on it.
Another one of my purposes is to be known well enough to bring talented people here to Thailand and perhaps be involved with my work in some capacity. Another is to have investors be involved with my business. Some of these goals are being realized at this time.
And I won't deny that I enjoy hearing from people and having some fun with the writing. The world is filled with really interesting people and I plan to met some of them in the future. We are all different. Most of us are pretty decent people and I do enjoy making new acquaintances when I have the time. I have been accused of being egotistical and maniacal and a whole list of
other things. You can believe what you like. I have no hidden agenda, I don't exploit readers, and I like to write about topics that may be helpful to others.
By the way, I believe the "original Bangkok commentator" was Bernard Trink?

John: The infamous 'Banana Girl' article stirred up a lot of controversy. Looking back, how do you feel about that now?

Keith: I must say that I was bit surprised that I made Stickman "flinch" with that article. Up to that time I had been coming on strong for a number of weeks writing critical articles about Stickman and I never heard a peep from him. I just assumed he didn't care. Or I assumed he was ready for the worst of it.The Banana Girl article was a joke about an article that he wrote. He said that sexual harassment at his workplace was not a problem and nothing would be said if a girl were to peal down a banana, giggle, and say "It's big isn't it?" How could I not follow up on that with a joke? I placed 4 pictures of girls that he worked with in my column and super-imposed pealed bananas on their pictures. And I posed the question, "Who is the banana girl?" And of course I made a few snide remarks and picked out the girls who I thought had my greatest "banana attention".
I also placed a picture of his boss in there with a comment about the story that Stickman had ran about her cheating on a school's evaluation. And I also put 4 initials of his school in that column.
He knew at that point that I had his identity. He ran like whipped dog and pulled his site down. I laughingly say he "did a web runner". I didn't expect it really especially since I had not identified him nor his school directly (of course that issue is subject to debate).
The next day (or very soon thereafter) he was releasing my name to a friend's web site my personal information started circulating. The following Thursday I asked my readers if I should post his identity, and the vote was 60% in favor. 14 days after the "Banana Girl" article I published his full name and school information on my site.
Looking back, knowing what I know today would I still have written the article? Sure, why not? The controversy was going to come sooner or later.
By the way, I have pulled those pictures down just because I felt that I didn't need to push that joke any further. I achieved a reaction in Stickman and that was my goal. If I felt it was important, I could just as well put the pictures back up, and I might someday, but I would have to publish Stickman's original article too for relevance. If this article really sticks out as a defining moment that I just might completely restore it for the sake of the historical relevance.

John: Many suspected that Stickman would lose everything and would have to flee Thailand. Did you ever feel any guilt over the position you put him in?

Keith: Stickman didn't feel guilty about the posting a story about physical attack at Club Boesche did he? Stickman didn't have any problems talking about the worker and his boss at the office did he? Stickman didn't feel guilty about giving my personal information to MangoSauce.com did he? When you step out and publish information for "fun and profit" you need to be ready to handle the risks.
Or was Stick was just reporting news? If that is true, then so am I. If Paul put himself in a bad place it's not my fault. He is a public figure and the secrecy of his identity was just begging to be reported on.
Stickman is resilient. I had a good feeling that he would probably make it through in some capacity. I wrote this on my site. My guess is that his employers still don't even know about the web site work. I probably won't be the one to blow his cover. Someday a much bigger organization like the Bangkok Post or local TV news media is really going to blow it. It's inevitable. They are going to show up with cameras at his school and they are going to ask seriously embarrassing questions. The major issue will be running a large illegal operation for profit under the noses of ignorant school administrators. It's sad that Stickman doesn't respect these people enough to protect them from this type of career damage. All he has to do is go legal and register the business and declare taxes, have his work permit adjusted, etc. Others have done it, but Stickman is just too smart for that. I think he thrives on risk and the income feels like a "drug fix" for him. His position is his choice. I didn't choose that position for him.
Do I feel responsible for shining the spot light on his position? Sure, I accept the responsibility for my actions. I have no problem with that. Does Stickman accept the responsibility for the light he casts on others?
The answer to that question is subject to debate.

John: Mangosauce said this about you: 'Keith Summers motives may never be fully understood but the comparisons with Mark Chapman are actually quite compelling.' How did that make you feel, being likened to the murderer of John Lennon?

Keith: MangoSquash is not even serious commentary. It's the work of a guy who wants to light fires just to see how the woods burn (as a younger man he would have been identified as a problem child). I wouldn't even dignify his work with any honorable mention here. His sole effort is to raise money on complete fabrication that is hinging on the smallest of truths. The guy has a brain, but he's out to lunch. He tempts fate in ways far beyond my doings by writing articles that are constantly degrading the Thai people. That is just disrespectful. I don't care what he says about me. I stopped listening to people talk about me a number of years ago. But, don't talk down about the Thais when their opportunities have been less than ours. We are from the west and we have some of the best educational facilities in the world. We westerners have enjoyed more freedoms, and technological developments, etc. You shouldn't be putting down a people struggling to achieve just because you think they are below you. In general, the people here are doing the best they can and they deserve some basic respect for
that pursuit. Of course, MangoSquashDave is an equal opportunity offender, so I'm sure he is pissed a number of people off.

John: And some of the follow up comments to that were bordering on psychotic. I personally worried for your safety after reading some of the threats. Obviously you're okay, but do you find yourself looking over your shoulder now because of what people think towards you?

Keith: I would be lying to you if I said that I didn't think about it the possibility of physical harm to my person. I do consider it, but I'm solid where I stand. I don't have a natural instinct to run. That is the by product of integrity (by the way integrity is just a strict adherence to what you believe in. It's a natural honesty with yourself and is has nothing directly to do with your specific choices, sexual or otherwise).
I naturally look over my shoulder all the time, not primarily because I'm worried about an attack, I'm because I'm more concerned about someone accidentally running me over with a car. Also, when I'm in Pattaya I watch out for pickpockets and weirdoes who might consider trying to rip off my telephone, money, etc. This is Asia. I think your posture needs to be a sober one. I like being in control of my senses. I like presenting myself as aware of my surroundings. I think people sense this awareness and are more reluctant to try to take advantage me. You have to be on your toes and that includes people walking up from behind.
Attention readers! As a piece of advice for you - Thai bad guys have a habit of striking from behind (I guess they are ashamed to face their victims). So be aware of people approaching from behind.
Just a few days ago I had a kid walk up from behind me. I he was just making a joke of how I walk fast and his intentions were harmless and he was doing this in front of a few friends who were lagging behind him, but I spun around in a defense posture on him. This is just my habit.

John: Another one of your articles 'Virgins - The holy Grail?' also came in for a lot of criticism. It can't have been nice being called a pedophile.

Keith: Pedophilia is the sexual attraction to pre-pubescent children. My article has nothing to do with that topic. The educated readers knew this right away, but of course others read what they want to see because they have a tendency to think about sexual attraction with children, I guess.
I don't know what big deal is about the concept of a virgin? I challenge you to do a survey of all farangs in Thailand who married non-bar girls and just find out how many of these non-bar girls were sexually inexperienced when they married their foreign husbands. I think the results will surprise you. My prediction is that many of these farang wives were inexperienced before their marriage. Many men want virgins. Thai men are no different. The Thai culture supports this transaction, virgins for Sin Sot. If virtue is lacking, Sin Sot is significantly reduced. We have all read the account of these transactions on the web.
The Stickman "bar stool attack crowd" are not really disturbed about the concept of a virgin. They would all indulge themselves if given the opportunity. They cowardly choose a topic that could be spun in a non-politically correct way. In reality they were probably thinking that it was a pretty cool article. Is there anyone else who has the balls to write on the subject?
By the way I am told by a very reliable source that virgins are frequently available in the Philippines. Seems they have a lot of turn-over in the red light districts there and new girls arrive on the scene regularly. So, the next time you are in the Philippines and you have the itch or the curiosity for a girl who may be fresh from the country, ask for a "Cherry Girl" and see what you come up with.

John; Many predicted that your site wouldn't last long. Do you see it having a particular life-span?

Keith: I have no idea what the life span will be. I take it week by week at this point and I'll continue to do it as it seems appropriate. I don't even know where it's going. My web work is just a hobby in most respects.

John: And how popular is the site?

Keith: My readership is small. I post the numbers there every week. I don't think anyone else in the Thailand Internet web does this accept for me. My numbers are completely honest.

John: Do you have any advice for ourselves?

Keith: I was going to say the same thing that I tell my readership most weeks, "Don't believe me just because I say it's true,etc"
But I think you're asking me for something a bit different. I think you're asking me about something more introspective for us farangs who are here already.
People, we have it good. In my town rarely a day goes by that I don't see a withered limb or a club foot. And yet, I know that when I was born, I was bow-legged. The doctors placed me in a partial body cast from the waist down for six months as a toddler and I've had perfectly straight legs ever since. Most kids born here don't have that opportunity. I see girls here with crossed eyes everyday. It's particularly hurtful to see a young child with that condition. My sister had a problem with a crossed eye and the optometrist helped correct that when she was 10 years old. Most kids here don't get that chance either.
Can you personally imagine how your life would be different if you had to bear out the effects of a physical deficiency?
Also, In the past several months I know of two families who lost members due to early deaths. One of my younger male employees (age 23) lost his mother to illness, and two sisters in town (the younger one very hot, age 22), lost their father to cancer. Both of these parents were in their early 50's.
So my advice is to and be thankful for your good fortune and try to take extra time to understand the Thais. Even if you don't agree with what they do, try to understand their actions from their perspective. Don't let circumstances drive you to anger too quickly.
Criticize the system if you like, I do that nearly everyday, but I think the people are doing fairly well based on their natural development in this culture.

John: And what would you say to anybody else thinking of starting a business in Thailand?

Keith: Any serious individual with a mind to start a business here can be successful if they fall into the right business profile. I understand and recommend any small business idea that produces and exports a product that is light weight and can be marketed over the internet to the end user. I'm sure there are other formulas that will work. But, this is the formula that works for me.
I tried to run a business several times in the US and failed. Here, I've had more success than ever before. Still, you have to know how to hit the nail with the hammer. And you can't be lazy. You have to be committed to success and do what is required to motivate yourself to carry that commitment through to its logical conclusion.
I think running a business here helps to achieve a really good balance in your life. If you only chased skirt everyday, you would find over time that all there would not be enough flesh available to slack your lust. I think real happiness requires a challenge with a reward. Fortunately, the reward here in Thailand is very sweet.

John: Thanks for your time, Keith. It's been a pleasure talking to you.

Keith: Not a problem, you're welcome. Nice chatting with you.

Interview with Jake Needham

Will: Hi Jake, thank you for taking the time to chat. So tell us about your latest novel, The Ambassador’s wife. In the past your themes have been financial crimes, this new book is a little different, right?

Jake: Maybe THE AMBASSADOR’S WIFE is a bit dissimilar to my other books in some ways, that's probably true enough; but I think I would characterize the reason for that dissimilarity a little differently than you have. The various crimes that form the plots of my books are just their framework. They're not really what the books are about.
My books all seem to me to work the general theme of expatriation, how one goes about living a life in a culture that is not one’s own, and they all explore the concept of living as an expatriate through characters who are driven to search the unfamiliar culture where they find themselves in order to solve a crime.
In THE BIG MANGO, Eddie Dare is an American who against his will and better judgment is pulled into an adventure in contemporary Bangkok and must figure out how to deal with the place when he knows little or nothing at all about it. The character of Jack Shepherd in LAUNDRY MAN and KILLING PLATO takes a job teaching international business at Chulalongkorn University because he is sick of his life in Washington and wants a change, but he doesn’t have the first idea what he is getting into by transplanting himself to a place like Thailand.
In THE AMBASSADOR’S WIFE, Inspector Tay is a Singaporean CID cop who feels like an expatriate in his own country because it no longer seems to him to be the place in which he grew up. When he’s assigned to a brutal murder case, the evidence leads him first into the unfamiliar diplomatic culture of the American Embassy in Singapore, and then eventually into the even less familiar culture of Thailand, so all at once Sam is largely cut free from all his moorings.
The biggest difference between THE AMBASSADOR'S WIFE and my others books, as far as I'm concerned, is that the story is told through the eyes of a character who is Asian by birth rather than western. Sam Tay doesn’t even like westerners very much, he says they make him uncomfortable, yet, the way he has to cope with the unfamiliar world into which he is placed really isn’t all that different from the way the rest of us find we have to cope, regardless of where we were born.
In all four books, it is the necessity to come to terms with an utterly alien cultural environment in order to solve a crime that drives the plot, not the particular kind of crime that is involved.

Will: Will you continue to change direction in the future?

Jake: The two series characters I’ve originated so far Jack Shepherd and Inspector Tay are both characters I’ve grown to like a lot. I’m working on the second Sam Tay book now and my general intention at the moment is to continue doing alternate books for these two characters. If these guys change direction, I guess I’ll have to follow them. Otherwise, I’ll probably keep doing pretty much what I'm doing now for quite a while.

Will: The Ambassador’s Wife is set in Singapore. I’ve never been to Singapore, but I hear that it’s the cleanest, least friendliest city in the world. How do you like Singapore?

Jake: I like it fine. I don’t know who told you it was an unfriendly place, but I certainly don’t see it that way. Singapore's got friendly people; it’s also got unfriendly people. Mostly, it’s got people who have better things to do than worry about which one of those categories they fall into. Singapore is an important international city like Los Angeles or Tokyo. It’s also quite beautiful and uniformly functional.
By comparison, Bangkok is an inconsequential third world backwater, which, I suspect, is one reason a lot of its foreign population is here in the first place. Singaporeans tend to look at Thais rather like Brits view the Irish, only not nearly as smart nor as energetic.

Will: Your books are not available to buy in the US and Europe. Why is that?

Jake: The major US and UK publishers decide what books will be available to readers in their markets and they insist that almost no one in the US or UK wants to read fiction that comes out of Asia. After fighting that battle for quite a while now, I simply accept that westerners, at least those who are the gatekeepers of the popular entertainment business, just don’t like Asia or Asians very much. The only thing they appear to like less than Asia, in fact, are westerners who have chosen for one reason or another to live here.
Without the enthusiastic support of one of the major western publishers, I would have no chance at all of being widely distributed, well displayed, or favorably reviewed in the American or British markets. No Asian publisher has the resources to buck that tide.
It really comes down to this: I would rather not let my books be marketed in the US and the UK at all than to see them badly marketed there or marketed by people who are contemptuous of their subject matter.

Will: I read not so long back that there were plans to make The Big Mango into a movie with James Gandolfini, is that still in the pipeline? On your website you say that the project is getting bogged down in “development”.

Jake: Frankly, I’ve always thought it a minor miracle of sorts that any movie ever gets made. You can’t imagine the number of fingers in the pie of every project or the number of hungry egos that have to be fed from each of them. These guys who own the rights to THE BIG MANGO have got a big-time star and now they’ve got a big-time screenwriter on board, too. One more major player, one more ego to feed, and I figure there’s no chance whatsoever of THE BIG MANGO ever getting made.

Will: If they were ever to make a movie of my life I think Leonardo Dicaprio or Brad Pitt would be a fair likeness if cast in the role. Who would you have play you if they made a movie of your life?

Jake: Any one of the Marx Brothers. Oh, never mind...they're all dead, aren't they?

Will: Asia Inc said this about you: "Needham certainly knows where a few bodies are buried." What does that mean?

Jake: Asia Inc is a business magazine and the journalist who wrote that piece was intrigued that over the past couple of decades I had been involved in a number of major financial deals in Asia. He figured I probably had a good deal of inside knowledge about all sorts of things he was interested in. He was right, of course, but in spite of his best efforts he never found out what any of it was.

Will: And the Bangkok Post wrote this about you: "One of the distinctive strengths of Needham’s novels is that he has the urban landscape of Asia down absolutely cold. He sketches it in sharp, sure strokes using language that is razor-edged with a touch of melancholy, at times even richly poetic."
Does your wife still work at the Bangkok Post?

Jake: Ha ha ha.
Just to keep the record straight, Aey never worked for the Post, although a few years ago they did publish locally a newspaper column she used to write. She hasn’t written her column for over two years now, but she still gets fan mail about it so I guess a fair number of people must miss it.

Will: Seriously, though, you must be very proud of the reviews and having now sold over 65,000 books?

Jake: I am. From Singapore to Hong Kong, my books sell as well as John Grisham or Michael Connelly or any other big time international novelist, and they are almost always well-reviewed in the press. Asia isn’t a huge market, of course most of the international publishers seem not to care that we exist at all, but I’d far rather be a best-selling author in a small market than just an also-ran somewhere else.

Will: And which other authors do you admire most?

Jake: Here are five: Henning Mankell, a Swedish author of crime fiction; Charles McCarry, an American writer of spy fiction; Qiu Xiaolong, a contemporary Chinese novelist; Martin Cruz Smith, an American author of big international novels; and Joan Didion, a truly extraordinary essayist.

Will: I live in Pai and Bangkok seems a million miles away. Is Bangkok home for you?

Jake: Aey and I have kept an apartment here in Bangkok for the fifteen years or so we’ve been married, although we have a home in Honolulu as well. At the moment, our youngest son is in international school in Bangkok so we’re here most of the time during the school year and mostly in Hawaii the rest of the year.

Will: You’ve written twelve screenplays in the past. Do you plan to write any more, or will you just be concentrating on novels from now on?

Jake: To tell you the absolute truth, I hate movies. Always have. Never go to them. Never even watch them on television. Once upon a time, I wrote screenplays because some people asked me to and they paid me a ridiculous amount of money for what was really very easy work. Screenplays aren’t real writing. They're mostly a sort of parlor trick. With a little practice and a $300 piece of software, any monkey could crank them out. If you don't believe me, just drop around to your neighborhood theater, take a look at what’s on offer, and then tell me I’m wrong.

Will: And can you tell us anything about your next novel?

Jake: The new Inspector Tay novel is called THE COMPANY OF THE DEAD. The title comes from Proverbs 21: A man who strays from the path of understanding comes to rest in the company of the dead. It should be out toward the end of this year.

Will: OK, Jake, thank you very much. It's been a pleasure.

All Monkeys!

We get some real characters in the bar sometimes, so from time to time I'll write a little about them.
There was quite a memorable German fellow we had in recently. It was quiet and it was just me and the girls when he walked in and slumped himself at the end of the bar. Pim took his order - Sangsom and coke - and Joy gave him a little massage on the shoulders.
"Ah quit it!" he snarled at her.
Joy is relatively new and speaks only a little English, but she knew by his tone to leave him well alone. When Pim set down his drink he necked it one. "Same again."
"Tough day?" I enquired.
He shrugged. "Tough week... Zis country, I dunno, I think I'll go to Cambodia next."
"Yeh? What's in Cambodia?" I asked. "Except Angkor Wat, cheap girls and landmines, of course."
"I am an English teacher, you see, and now it seems wiz all these new visa rules I will have to take my qualifications elsewhere."
Joy and Daeng (who is particularly good looking) sat down beside him, chins in palms, faking enthralment by his words.
He paid them no attention and went on: "My friends have fled there already. Thailand does not want us farangs here any longer. I have a little over a month left on my visa, zen I think I go also."
"How long you been in Thailand?" I asked.
He snorted. "Fifteen years! I came here wiz very good intentions. I believed bringing the English language to a third world nation would be very fulfilling."
"And it's not?"
"How can it be?" he laughed. "Thais, they don't want to learn. They are essentially all monkeys."
I raised my eyebrows.
"True," he went on. "Maybe two, three generations ago they were still in trees."
Joy and Daeng laughed, not because they understood, but because he laughed, and they have been to taught to be polite and laugh along with the customers. Mamasan Pu, whose heard a lot worse, gave me an ironic smile. She had once explained that some Thais view us farangs as monkeys, because of our hairy bodies and long arms.
"Thai children," the German went on, "it is impossible to teach them. They are only interested in trashy magazines and computer games."
"Aren't most kids around the world today, though," I argued.
"Yes, but they have the advantage that they have something in zeir minds already. With Thais," he said, tapping his forehead. "Their is nothing. I tell you - they are essentially all monkeys."
He was now on his third sangsom and coke. Soon the regulars would be in - all of whom had Thai wives or girlfriends - and I was beginning to worry that if he carried on with this "monkey" business it might get ugly. "A lot of the guys who drink here have Thai wives," I told him, "and i don't think they'd agree with you on that."
"I am lucky," he said. "I married a smart one. Her descendents came down from the trees a long time ago." He then took a look at his watch. "She will be here soon. She has gone shopping and will pick me up."
He ordered another drink, and we waited for his wife to appear. I was expecting a smartly dressed graduate type, conservative clothes and spectacles, maybe pulling up in a BMW. When a chunky woman in her forties with cut-off jeans and unsightly DIY tattoos pulled up on a motorcycle and approached the bar I thought it was somebody who was in search of a job maybe.
"Ah, here she is," the German cooed. "Love of my life."
She planted her large frame down next to him, crossed her arms and scowled at his drink. "You get drinking again?"
"Just one or two," he slurred.
"Fucking asshole," she said, with an American twang. "always get drinking!"
He looked at me a little sheepishly. "Isn't she beautiful?"
"Don't call me beautiful. You tell me come here, now I look stupid. Everybody think I have asshole farang husband."
He smirked at me. "She gets angry because I'm thinking of leaving for Cambodia."
"Nobody stop you," she told him.
"But she doesn't want to leave the troop behind."
With that, his good lady got up and stomped back to the motorbike.
"Wait, sweetheart, don't be hot heart. I'm coming now." He pulled out some crumpled notes, threw them on the bar and rushed after her. He just made it onto the back of the motorbike in time.
Mamasan Pu then came over to me. "Boss, I'm just going out. I'll be back soon."
"Sure, where are you going?" I asked.
She scratched under her armpit. "To go and buy some bananas."

Football's Not Coming Home

Thai hearts were broken on Sunday night when the island nation of Singapore beat them in the ASEAN championship final.
60,000 fans, most in yellow shirts, packed into the Stadium Supachalasai in Bangkok to cheer on the national side.
In the first leg in Singapore, Thailand walked off the pitch after a dodgy decision by the Malaysian referee. With tensions running high before the second leg more than 400 police officers and soldiers were inside the stadium.
Trailing 2-1 from the first leg, Thailand completely overwhelmed Singapore in the first half, and were rewarded for their efforts in the 36th minute when Pipat Thonkanya deftly headed over an incoming defender and volleyed into the roof of the net. He ran over to the touchline, dropped to his knees, bowed his head and gave a respectful wai to the ecstatic supporters.
With the tie level at 2-2, Thailand would have been crowned champions on away goals if the match had remained 1-0.
But with just six minutes remaining Singapore's Khairul Amri raced through on goal and fired a shot past Thailand's statuesque goalkeeper. Singapore held on for the remainder of the game to be crowned champions and pick up a cheque for 100,000USD.
This was the first Asian football match I've watched from start to finish. It's usually worth a watch for five minutes, just for comedy value of seeing passes as wayward as a blind archer's arrows. But this was a tense and exciting game. Mrs Wow's screams of enthusiasm were thankfully broken up by a commercial every five minutes.
With a population of only 4 million you would think this was a remakable achievement for Singapore, but with a team made up of English, Serbian, Chinese and Nigerian nationals it's hardly an achievment on a par with Wimbledon's 1989 FA cup win over Liverpool. Like the Republic of Ireland, who have a policy of if your great uncle's half cousin's brother-in-law was Irish, you qualify for the national side, Singapore seem to have no scruples when it comes to squad selection.
Aparently Laos, who finished bottom of their group, have already sent scouts over to Brazil. With baskets full of sticky rice they plan to lure impoverished teenagers from the shanty towns of Rio De Janeiro in preperation for the 2009 ASEAN championships.

My Kind of Town

"City of sin","Tropical sewer","The toilet seat of Asia".
Just a few terms I've either read or heard said countless times, but this is my home, and I love it here.
Pattaya, to me, is much more than a sex-tourist haven. It has the perfect climate, great restaurants, friendly folks, and of course, life is never dull for one moment. Having worked a dead-end job for just over thirty years and endured two dull, loveless marriages, things have never been so fun or fulfilling for myself and many others who have settled here.
It goes without saying that Pattaya has its unsavoury side, and murders and suicides occur on an almost daily basis, sure, but you never hear about the ammount of succesful love stories that happen every day, or the sense of community spirit amongst the expat community.
With a population of over a quarter million people you're going to have to take the rough with the smooth.
My only regrets about Pattaya is that I didn't find it when I was in my twenties. Now, in some ways, the place seems a little wasted on me. All too often I clock a girl who takes my breath away. Literally. Just the mere thought of having to try and satisfy her leaves me short of breath.
I've had my heart broken a few times here, but these days I'd like to think that I'm a little more careful. It's all too easy to think that the next one is "the one", but it's impossible for things to remain as sweet as they are in those first few months of courtship, so move on quickly, I say, with as little emotion as possible.
The number one rule I have is that I never get involved with the girls who work in my bar. And if you've seen how cute some of them are you'd realise how tough that can be some days. Mamasan Pu, my trusty business partner, has a contact who gets some of the freshest, best lookers off the Isaan conveyor belt.
Running a bar has to be kept as stress-free as possible, so I'm always sure to keep my emotions and hormones in check. If any urges overcome me I just slide out for a soapy massage down the road.
I never envisaged having a bar before I came to Thailand. I didn't think I'd be trustworthy enough not to drink the profits dry. But I get more of a thrill these days from just mixing with the customers and the staff, rather than getting paralytic like I used to whenever I stepped foot in a pub.
It's never going to make me rich this bar, I know. It ticks over and that's good enough for me. I've got a cosy little flat upstairs, and about every other day Pu sends one of the girls up to clean up after me or do my laundry. I'm spoiled really.
My second wife, I remember, used to instigate arguments on purpose just so I would bite back and she could kill the argument off with, "Right, you can make your own bloody dinner for the rest of the week!", or, "Do your own bloody laundry from now on!"
Apart from the obvious differences in beauty, Western and Asian females are like two entirely different species. That's not to say that all Asian ladies are perfect, far from it, but the percentage that pride themselves on taking care of their man far outnumbers the ammount of western females who once upon time used to also share the same qualities.
I worry that a time will come when cities like Pattaya will be overun by an exodus of Western males seeking their perfect partner. My nephew, who came out to visit me last year, emailed me recently. He's just turned twenty-two and said that he would probably marry an English girl in the next few years, then divorce before he's thirty. It seems even the young aren't even optimistic about their chances of happiness in a conventional type western marriage. .
"But why get married anyway?" I asked, "It'll only cost you when you divorce."
His answer was simple - he could not afford to buy a house on his own, and the girls are so career-orientated that she would be happy to share the mortgage repayments. When the house price has almost doubled in a few years they'll sell it and split the profits.
With that, and the savings he plans to stash in a secret account, he hopes to have enough to head east and carve out a life for himsef here.
Rather than thinking that a three bedroom semi, an automatic car and a package holiday to Tenerife once a year was hapiness, I wish I'd had his aspirations when I was that age. Saying that, I believe Pattaya was just a small fishing village back then.

Our First Row

Yesterday me and Dar had our first proper row. I say "proper" in the sense that she actually yelled at me. Of course, like most couples, we've had our share of arguments before, but nothing like this though. I've never seen her so angry.
And what was it over?
That stupid little dog that I thought would be a good idea to buy her for her birthday.
Kai Tom, the cute little adorable Shitzu, hates my guts. I've tried talking to him in that whiney baby voice she does, I try to coax him with his favourite chews, I comb his coat for him, everything she tells me to do so that me and him can become friends, but he just won't take to me.
So here's how the row erupted - Once a week it's grooming time, and the little prat has his soapy shower, his nails clipped etc. It was the day before yesterday, and I could hear them in the shower - him thrashing about and Dar trying to calm him and be still for mummy.
"Will! Quick! Quick!" she yelled. "He die soon!"
I rushed in quickly. "What is it darling?"
"He got soap in his eyes and nose. Hold him."
"Die soon?" I smirked. Trying not to laugh, I grabbed hold of him, while Dar went to work on his eyes and nose with the shower hose.
What with all the soap and him wriggly like an oily snake, he got free.
Dar let out a big exasperated sigh, then yelled: "Why you not hold him."
I moved quickly, skidding on the wet tiles and cornered him behind the toilet.
"Come on, quickly!" she snapped.
"Be a good boy, Kai Tom," I cooed. "You know it's bath time."
"Just take him," she screamed. "He blind soon."
As I put my hands round his neck his head twisted back and he caught me on the thumb with his sharp little teeth.
"Little fucker!" I screamed, and instinctively - and in self-defence - gave him a right hook between the eyes.
The squeal he made was only drowned out by Dar's own screams: "Arggh, you crazy! You kill him, you kwai!"
I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and flung him across the soapy floor. He came to rest between her legs and she quickly bundled him up into her arms. Wimpering like a baby, he snuggled his nose under her chin.
Oh, the glare she gave me then. Her eyes were like cold onyx stones. "Jai dam," she sneered. (black heart). "Why you do that? How big you? How big he?"
"Look," I said, holding out my thumb, wishing there was more blood than just the two pin-pricks. "He bit me."
"Ah, poor baby. Get out! I finish him now." And then she screamed at me: "I no need you for anything."
I stepped out into the other room, and sat there listening to "Nasty farang this," and "nasty farang that," and a string of growling Thai that I couldn't understand; which was maybe for the best.
I spent that night in one of the rooms that wasn't occupied. I lay there for hours wondering how this little ball of fur had driven a wedge between us. I wanted to sneak into the house, win him over with a chew, then gag him and take him down to the river with his lead and a sandbag.
By the morning I'd cooled off, so I went out and bought some flowers for her and barbecue pork (which he likes so much), and returned with my peace offerings. Half an hour of grovelling apologies I won Dar round, but Kai Tom's forgiveness is not so easily bought. He sniffed the pork, then went and sulked in his basket.
I put Dar's anger down to her hormones. Being so close to the pregnancy they must be all over the place. It was obviously very wrong of me to punch the dog (even though he's been asking for it), but her shouting at me was out of character and it only served to fuel my anger. I'm sure it was a one-off and she won't raise her voice to me again. Although she didn't say sorry, I'm sure she feels bad about talking to me like that.